City of Her- VI

                                                           The Engagement
The past two days had been very tough for both of us. We knew it before that it would never be easy but we always over looked  it . But now it was in front of us and we were finding it difficult to deal with it . We did not have anything to talk about now like before .Earlier  time used to be less for our conversation but now time was hard to pass by .Every minute of silence seemed like an  hour .After every few minute  thoughts of her engagement would come up in the mind of  either  one of us  .There would be a pause  for sometime before  we would start to talk again but nothing was making the things better .After each call I felt this could be her last call and last chat after she logged out every time. There was no surety   .

Tomorrow early  morning she will  leave for nearby city of her fiance where the engagement would take place  tomorrow . We are on chat now and she is trying to make me feel better. She used loving endearments in our conversation  from Shona to baby and from sweet heart to darling. She had a purpose for that she wanted me to not feel bad. On the other hand actually I was dealing with two sides of my own mind  at that same point .I was very happy for her because she had made the right decision to get engaged and I knew that she would be happy with that guy. ( she had told me before  that this guy was very polite and a nice human being) But for myself I was  sad because I would loose her. Only thoughts  of losing her were enough to disturb my senses and I was unable to think of life without her.I was not ready for yet another period of emptiness in my life again. I dealt it with before but I did not want it again. Most of us think being strong and being brave are similar things but I found the  two had different meanings that day  “ I was not brave  to stand up against the society  and my parents for her, but at the same time   was  strong enough to let her go away from me”

                   I called her late night and talked to her for a while.  Asked about everything but nothing important .I inquired about her schedule as to when she would leave, by what time she would reach there and about packing and all the other things. But was not able to convey what I wanted to say to  her. I wanted  to tell her that I would miss her a lot ,although I did not need to say that because she knew it .My heart was cursing me for not  being able to stop her from leaving me.I just congratulated her  for engagement and I was about to cut the call when she said something and I fell in love her again. How could I have stopped myself she said “ek bar to mujhe rok lete to shayad main engagement nahi karti  “ (if u have asked me  only once i would not have agreed for the engagement ) I was not able to speak anything so I just wished her good night and slept with her thoughts.I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Its early morning and I am in my bed sleeping just when my phone rang. It’s her, she called  just before leaving for her engagement. I just picked it up. And it was like always, the best voice to hear when you woke up. You are at peace and silence all around you all this while when you are sleeping and you wake up hearing the sweetest words in the sweetest voice.  I started to love my mornings when I was with her. 

We talked for few minutes before her brother called her and we bid good bye and wishes for a nice day ahead.I knew it would  not be possible for her to call me again that day .
 After the call I wanted to get up but I not knew what I would do all day. I had nothing to do. I wanted myself to keep away from her thoughts, wanted to involve myself into something so that I should not miss her presence. I called every friend of mine whom I thought would be good to spent time with. But all of them were busy somewhere or another. I have to deal with my pain  on my own. So I just decided to enjoy my emptiness, my loneliness...Thanks Mr.Akon you have been  a great help that day... Heard“I am lonely, Mr. lonely... all day I guess “

The  day was hard to pass by and by the evening I had reached to  a saturation point where I can’t feel more worse.  So I choose to open my pc for the   first time in the day. I logged into my Gmail and read every chat with her from the very first day we chatted  to the last night . It took me close to 3 hours and it was like movie .All things we chatted about were flashing in front of my eyes. I logged off .

In night about 2 am she called me. I was sleeping but I was able to feel the vibration of cell.  I replied hello in my drowsy voice, She used to love this when she woke me up in morning. it was the only time when I used to listen her and she used to talk one way.
The  first word she said was ”Sorry.” Not a pleasant word to hear in her voice. I asked her  Why? Was not able to call u all day She said .It’s ok. Congratulations! I replied . I asked her how the day had been and she gave me a briefing about the whole day.  She kept the  briefing to the minimum,her voice got huskier after each sentence and then  while describing the ring ceremony she started to cry.  And in the process to make her stop   I lost control over my emotion and I too began to cry.........................................to be continued.

city of her-V

City of Her-V:

It’s early November, start of the winter. Winter which connects with flavor of love. I don’t know why but winter always seems to be the season of love to me even then when I was not in love. And now I realized I was right in that. Yes winter is the season of love. Love grows as the air gets colder.
                                I am enjoying my first winter with her but destiny has planned something else for me.  Today morning she shocked me with news that made my heart skip a few beats. I was taken back with her words that she just spoke “Someone is coming to see me. “Those 5 words were more than enough for me to log out from chat. Within a minute my mobile rang. It was hers. My mom was in front of me so I cut the call at first. It was never easy for me to cut her call. I rarely did that. Within seconds she called again and I was not able to cut the call again. I ran to the roof and picked it up, i did not  even said hello , I was not able to find proper words, I didn’t knew what to say but then she can understand my silence too. After a few minutes I became normal and we talked for about 15 minutes. It was not that I was sad because she would go away from me but I was numb because it was happening so fast that I was not able to figure out what was happening with me. And I did not know how to react to that. But yes as always talking to her was the best thing I could do. And yet again it made me happy. It was always like that ,whatever may be the   reason of my sadness ,it just disappears as soon as  she appears in front of me in any way. Whether its chatting or her voice on the cell& at times even  her pic. All have the same effect on me. After talking to her I was feeling nice. I forgot that someone is coming to see her. I was not afraid now that she would go away from me. Because she said.“  She may not be near me always but she will be with me. I just have to feel her.”

It’s Sunday. Usually on Sunday we chat less than any other day because she has more work to do at home and more importantly I have my parents at home.  But today the reason of   us not being on chat was different.Today can be an important Sunday of our lives. She can be taken by someone else for forever. Yes today a guy was coming to see my darling. I was laughing thinking of it, not because i wanted to get rid of those thoughts but thinking that what kind of joke is this in my life . She is the best girl I can ever imagine of and here some guy will choose her. It was making no sense to me. I always felt like she was the one who should have right to select a guy for herself. She was just the perfect girl. But this society has its own rules.  Feelings are worthless.It’s just about the rules... those  f*****g rules...

Its been almost 16 hours I have not talked her. It never happened before .She always made sure that she talked me after  every few hours  whatever the situation is .I still remember once she was not able to talk me so she just called me  and started to sing  so that I could hear her voice and I loved that .She has the sweetest voice I ever heard and   when she sings one could not have asked for more but today I guess she was not able to call me and I was restless. Irritated I was missing her presence.  I just received a text from her that her marriage is fixed and 2 days from now  she is going to be engaged. Sundays always had special surprises for me.People eat Sunday specials on. Sunday but I make my Sunday’s special in another way,in a way that it will always taste same ,always sour. Ha!ha!ha!at least i have some predictability regarding these Sundays in my life.  All of them are same.

It’s past mid night and I am  still awake... I am not sleepy.  I had not heard her voice and I wish to hear it badly. I am on my bed but not able to sleep. I am just changing my sleeping position but it’s not working.One can’t feel comfortable by luxury when you are not at peace from inside.   I was thinking of her ,what she would be doing just when my phone rang.  I did not even bother to look at  the display because I knew it will not be anyone else but her.
As soon as I picked it up, I don’t know what happened to me, I was unable to control myself , I was feeling  bad  but  now I just felt an emotional outburst as soon as I heard  her voice.  And I started to sob on the phone .She told me to calm down. It’s never a good sight to see a man cry but I was fortunate enough that there was no one to see me cry ,just she was with me on the other side of the cell. She said lots of thing in order to make me stop. But I was not able to speak to her .All I could do was to sob and hear her.I slept with her voice in my ears,  I do  not remember when I slept and don’t know how long she  was on the line in the night. I just slept embracing  her thoughts I do not want her to go away from me.

friendship... what i have seen and known about it.

When I read the word friend many faces strike my sense one by one , each of them bring a emotion with them, some bring a smile, some excitement , few bring pain , other bring hate or some even bring apathy towards them , and when I read further to the word “SHIP” associated with FRIEND it transform it into FRIENDSHIP . That is all together a different thing. Here I would compare friendship with sea. As sea is comprise of water with different depth at different places, so does friendship have friends and with each friend depth of our friendship vary. So for me it’s a sea with great depth which can never be measured.

In its purest form friendship is the biggest treasure for human soul, yes biggest because it gives us chance to open our self with a person to an extent which is not possible with your spouse and siblings or even with our parents, it gives us liberty of being our self, To be original without the mask of sanity or a plastic smile which we often wear in front of society. That’s the bright side of friendship and we all enjoy it, but everything have its flip side so does have friendship and its dark side lies in its creation.

There are two kind of relation in our life , one which are made by destiny when we were born, and had no control in deciding them, like our parents or siblings and then there is one in which we play a part, that is getting married and accepting someone for rest of our life either in arranged or love marriage. BUT then friendship have its own charm that is “ we create it with our choice without any external influence” , we just follow our heart and go into it without thinking about the complexity or future of it. So in a way it’s our own creation, which we nurse it like a infant and see it growing up as a child and keep progressing, like crawling, walking and than running when it’s in full bloom, we cherish every moment of it until it reaches its teen age. As we all know teen age can make or break someone forever, same happens with friendship.

Every relation is bound to have its share of hiccups and so does happens in friendship, when these hiccups occur within the family we adjust to it because we do not have option of breaking up with them, so we compromise. In a couple relationships we do break-up when things fall apart and cry for it for few days and then move on with another person in our life, but these things does not work in friendship.

Friendship because at first it’s a free relation and gives freedom, word compromise does not fit in and then there is nothing like breaking up and moving on with friends, because we cannot find a person with same qualities and attributes to replace the existing person in our life, thus what result is a tempered friendship just like a scratched glass, which itself is not broken but one cannot see through it as earlier. It lost it sheen with so many scratches and its charm that is transparency.

There is a saying which describes the fall of friendship very aptly that “A tiny spark can ignite a fire which can burn the whole house”. At times it’s easier to resolve big issues because they are too big to be ignored and eventually everything get sorted out, but what spoil friendship are tiny issues which gets overlooked and then block the way of friendship, and when these small ones occur frequently it create a big mess.

For example we start taking friends for granted or make silly excuses which were never required in place of truth or giving their share of attention to someone else or at times we take “ a friend in need is a friend indeed “ too seriously that we forget that those friends can be contacted without a purpose in hand . It’s not mandatory to always have a reason for talking with a friend. And when all these things happen the infant we created with so much enthusiasm dies a premature death.

So I would just say that keep in touch with your friends when you have a chance to . do not wait for a reason. Because the most excited moments we had were unplanned just like we never knew where when and how we would find our friends .

       “one sides love can linger on but one sided friendship will certainly die"