What is happiness???
That is the question I have been asking myself quite often these days. I don't know what has triggered this feeling within me, but somewhere I am glad that it did.
Contemplating about it every now and then has not gotten me anywhere.
So, if I look from a perspective which most of other people would perceive, I should be happy because of what my normal day to day life looks like.
I have pretty much everything at my disposal. I wake up , get ready ,have my breakfast and leave for a 10 to 6 job (which is not much demanding compared to what others have to do in order to earn bread their bread and butter), get back, chill for some time while shuffling through channels on Tv and sometimes switching to Netflix, make dinner or order food and the day is gone like that. Easy ain't it? thats how it look like.
The question here is whether I asked for this sort of life? Deep within I know I didn't. I was not cut from the same cloth which would make human of above mentioned description, I am more of an old soul who find more pleasure in human interaction and connection rather than luxuries of life.
The roots of this goes long back. For most of my life I had to choose between what I wanted do to and what I should do. I always chose the later and inevitably this is where I have reached - A dual sort of life /mindset, where I want to excel in my current life and on the other hand I want to be true to myself and seek what i always craved for that is peace and happiness ,be the old soul in this fast pace era of excellence and extra ordinary.
But I am no where close to it, the equilibrium between both seems impossible at times. The nearest I could achieve was to be a robot on weekdays and a human of my kind on weekends, which is also not in balance because there too tables are in favor of the robot since weekend comprises of only 2 days out of 7.
If I was asked "what I really wanted to do to feel happy and content?", my answer would be that I want to lead a life where, I don't have a time clock running on my head to finish any task, to do things at a pace where I don't feel that I am pushing things , rather it should be in harmony with my soul and mind. And that is what I seek.
But guess that's too much to ask from life which is unpredictable in every sense, more often than not my plans no matter how precise and meticulous, they go haywire and make me realize that nothing in this life of my own I control. I just react to it.
So am I ready to give up on that robot? Can I do that?I guess not , atleast I am not ready now because there is lot on stake, those hard yard which I have to walk and crawl when left with no energy to create this robot, which takes care of financial bills of the human at its core, what I would do if not this ?How would I feed this human?Would that human would be happy being hungry?
Yeah had a passion before which might have helped earned bread for the human ,skills are still there but the fire of turning that passion into something monetary is not.
so am I willing to take that chance and let go of this robot now since it's not making me happy?
I am afraid that I am not ready for it. Atleast not now, because even when that fire was burning I preferred the robot. Now what if I loose this robot and passion won't work?It's all pretty messed up inside my mind. Behind that smile which shows it's perfectly fine and I am happy just like everyone sees, may be that's the reality of life and I am only allowed to react to its music, allowed to ask questions answers to which are not provided for.
But I hope to figure it out soon, atleast before the human inside me surrender to the Robot.
