Are You Happy ?

What is happiness???

That is the question I have been asking myself quite often these days. I don't know what has triggered this feeling within me, but somewhere I am glad that it did.
Contemplating about it every now and then has not gotten me anywhere.

So, if I look from a perspective which most of other people would perceive, I should be happy because of what my normal day to day life looks like.
I have pretty much everything at my disposal. I wake up , get ready ,have my breakfast and leave for a 10 to 6 job (which is not much demanding compared to what others have to do in order to earn bread their bread and butter), get back, chill for some time while  shuffling through channels on Tv and sometimes switching to Netflix, make dinner or order food and the day is gone like that. Easy ain't it? thats how it look like.

The question  here is whether I asked for this sort of life? Deep within I know I didn't. I was not cut from the same cloth which would make human of above mentioned description, I am more of an old soul who find more pleasure in human interaction and connection rather than luxuries of life.
The roots of this goes long back. For most of my life I had to choose between  what I wanted do to and what I should do. I always chose the later and inevitably this is where I have reached - A dual sort of life /mindset, where I want to excel in my current life and on the other hand I want to be true to myself and seek what i always craved for that is peace and happiness ,be the old soul in this fast pace era of excellence and extra ordinary.
But I am no where close to it, the equilibrium between both seems impossible at times. The nearest I could achieve was to be a robot on weekdays and a human of my kind  on weekends, which is also not in balance because there too tables are in favor of the robot since weekend comprises of only 2 days out of 7.

 If I was asked "what I really wanted to do to feel happy and content?", my answer would be that I want to lead a life where, I don't have a time clock running on my head to finish any task, to do things at a pace where I don't feel that I am pushing things , rather it should be in harmony with my soul and mind. And that is what I seek.
But guess that's too much to ask from life which is unpredictable in every sense, more often than not my plans no matter how precise and meticulous, they go haywire and make me realize that nothing in this life of my own I control. I just react to it.
So am I ready to give up on that robot? Can I do that?I guess not , atleast I am not ready now because  there is lot on stake, those hard yard which I have to walk and crawl when left with no energy to create this robot, which  takes care of financial bills of the human at its core, what I would do if not this ?How would I feed this human?Would that human would be happy  being hungry?

Yeah had a passion before which might  have helped earned bread for the human ,skills are still there but the fire of  turning that passion into something monetary is not.
so am I willing to  take that  chance  and let go of this robot now since it's not making me happy?
I am afraid that I am not ready for it. Atleast not now, because even when  that fire was burning  I preferred the robot. Now what if I loose this robot and passion won't work?It's all pretty messed up inside my mind. Behind that smile which shows it's perfectly fine and I am happy just like everyone sees, may be that's the reality of life and I am only allowed to react to its music, allowed to ask questions answers to which are not provided for.
But I hope to figure it out soon, atleast before the human inside me surrender to the Robot.

Sunset...A way of life.

I am a guy who prefers sunset over sunrises , and I can attribute it to the fact that I am and never was a morning person, so as laid back as l am,sunset are my thing,I hardly remember when was the last time I watched  the rising  sun from my own eyes, but yeah I can count a  number large enough to outrun my fingers when I watched sun setting into the  horizon , be it was behind the hills or as if going to take a dip into wide ocean only to come back again tomorrow.
Sunset gives me ample time to be in a mental zone where I can just watch while it sets,also it allows me to reflex about life and relate it to the setting sun and also relax for the moment, which I believe sunrise never gives, may be morning sun always have a flight to catch ,that's why it happens so fast,just like people boarding in and out of metro,clearly not my thing.
one thing which I relate to it is, as if it's natures way to tell that at times you have to sit back,call it a day which has just gone by, and let others take over and  have their  moments,like sun give a chance to moon and stars to have their glory while sun takes a break to shine away in different territories.
 It also inspire all of us to be that source of energy which is eternal and to use that for the ones who are in need of it without expecting anything in return, just like the sun does because it's not a barter, rather  it was the basic law of nature to compliment each other in way where all could exist in a cohesive manner for betterment of all, respecting significance of each and everything  surrounding us, and allowing  equal opportunity to each and everyone to have their glory, even if it requires one to step back a little,because no matter what there would always be another day to shine bright.
so what we all can do is to be like the sun who shines bright as a source of ample energy which drives other around him, and even if we have to step back at times we should, because by then everyone would know that your glory does not depends upon anything else but  it's your own and it's there  to stay for ever.

Living with Imperfections

This is not just a phone, it's quite special for me.
Why so? Whats so special about this broken phone?
For a start after buying so many phones on parents money this was the first phone which was funded solely from my salary,so it is the first and till now the only one.

Coming to speciality of this phone which  even myself is  realizing just now at middle of Night by relating it with my life in a nutshell,which has forced me to jot it all down at 1 am, this phone in multiple ways is reflection of myself.

For a start as you can see this is a lenovo android which I bought at 10k,a typical middle class phone which gives you everything in small budget but nothing extra ordinary to boast of, so am I, perfectly middle class average looking mediocre student with  cricket skills which could took me to just inter-colony level.
So thats me and my modest  middle class android phone.
As for most part of my life I have struggled to keep balance in various aspect of life and same has been story of this phone, it's not for multitasking,if I ask it to open two or more apps at once it struggles just like I faltered when I tried to juggle up tasks at once.

THE BROKEN GLASS:

As it's visible the glass of the phone is broken just like I have been, because both of us have fallen multiple times yet both of us continue to work,some scars are too deep just like the one at the center of  screen which is never going to heal unless the glass or  heart in my case is replaced.

Coming to the software part , this phone have some pre installed essential apps so does I have my parent's and siblings, some apps are installed by myself which were required for smooth functioning just like my friends and colleagues and then there is set of those unwanted app which I can not delete even if I want too just like "wo 4 log " and "that sharma ji ka ladka"

See I told earlier that this is not just a phone it's my life in a nutshell but you know whats most relatable of all?
Its that both me and this phone after so many imperfections keeps going on one day at a time because nothing is perfect, neither this phone nor my life and for matter of fact I am not even seeking that perfection, I am in process to figure out to live with my imperfections just as  I am about to complete one year association with this imperfect yet stubborn phone.

City of Her- VI

                                                           The Engagement
The past two days had been very tough for both of us. We knew it before that it would never be easy but we always over looked  it . But now it was in front of us and we were finding it difficult to deal with it . We did not have anything to talk about now like before .Earlier  time used to be less for our conversation but now time was hard to pass by .Every minute of silence seemed like an  hour .After every few minute  thoughts of her engagement would come up in the mind of  either  one of us  .There would be a pause  for sometime before  we would start to talk again but nothing was making the things better .After each call I felt this could be her last call and last chat after she logged out every time. There was no surety   .

Tomorrow early  morning she will  leave for nearby city of her fiance where the engagement would take place  tomorrow . We are on chat now and she is trying to make me feel better. She used loving endearments in our conversation  from Shona to baby and from sweet heart to darling. She had a purpose for that she wanted me to not feel bad. On the other hand actually I was dealing with two sides of my own mind  at that same point .I was very happy for her because she had made the right decision to get engaged and I knew that she would be happy with that guy. ( she had told me before  that this guy was very polite and a nice human being) But for myself I was  sad because I would loose her. Only thoughts  of losing her were enough to disturb my senses and I was unable to think of life without her.I was not ready for yet another period of emptiness in my life again. I dealt it with before but I did not want it again. Most of us think being strong and being brave are similar things but I found the  two had different meanings that day  “ I was not brave  to stand up against the society  and my parents for her, but at the same time   was  strong enough to let her go away from me”

                   I called her late night and talked to her for a while.  Asked about everything but nothing important .I inquired about her schedule as to when she would leave, by what time she would reach there and about packing and all the other things. But was not able to convey what I wanted to say to  her. I wanted  to tell her that I would miss her a lot ,although I did not need to say that because she knew it .My heart was cursing me for not  being able to stop her from leaving me.I just congratulated her  for engagement and I was about to cut the call when she said something and I fell in love her again. How could I have stopped myself she said “ek bar to mujhe rok lete to shayad main engagement nahi karti  “ (if u have asked me  only once i would not have agreed for the engagement ) I was not able to speak anything so I just wished her good night and slept with her thoughts.I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Its early morning and I am in my bed sleeping just when my phone rang. It’s her, she called  just before leaving for her engagement. I just picked it up. And it was like always, the best voice to hear when you woke up. You are at peace and silence all around you all this while when you are sleeping and you wake up hearing the sweetest words in the sweetest voice.  I started to love my mornings when I was with her. 

We talked for few minutes before her brother called her and we bid good bye and wishes for a nice day ahead.I knew it would  not be possible for her to call me again that day .
 After the call I wanted to get up but I not knew what I would do all day. I had nothing to do. I wanted myself to keep away from her thoughts, wanted to involve myself into something so that I should not miss her presence. I called every friend of mine whom I thought would be good to spent time with. But all of them were busy somewhere or another. I have to deal with my pain  on my own. So I just decided to enjoy my emptiness, my loneliness...Thanks Mr.Akon you have been  a great help that day... Heard“I am lonely, Mr. lonely... all day I guess “

The  day was hard to pass by and by the evening I had reached to  a saturation point where I can’t feel more worse.  So I choose to open my pc for the   first time in the day. I logged into my Gmail and read every chat with her from the very first day we chatted  to the last night . It took me close to 3 hours and it was like movie .All things we chatted about were flashing in front of my eyes. I logged off .

In night about 2 am she called me. I was sleeping but I was able to feel the vibration of cell.  I replied hello in my drowsy voice, She used to love this when she woke me up in morning. it was the only time when I used to listen her and she used to talk one way.
The  first word she said was ”Sorry.” Not a pleasant word to hear in her voice. I asked her  Why? Was not able to call u all day She said .It’s ok. Congratulations! I replied . I asked her how the day had been and she gave me a briefing about the whole day.  She kept the  briefing to the minimum,her voice got huskier after each sentence and then  while describing the ring ceremony she started to cry.  And in the process to make her stop   I lost control over my emotion and I too began to cry.........................................to be continued.

city of her-V

City of Her-V:

It’s early November, start of the winter. Winter which connects with flavor of love. I don’t know why but winter always seems to be the season of love to me even then when I was not in love. And now I realized I was right in that. Yes winter is the season of love. Love grows as the air gets colder.
                                I am enjoying my first winter with her but destiny has planned something else for me.  Today morning she shocked me with news that made my heart skip a few beats. I was taken back with her words that she just spoke “Someone is coming to see me. “Those 5 words were more than enough for me to log out from chat. Within a minute my mobile rang. It was hers. My mom was in front of me so I cut the call at first. It was never easy for me to cut her call. I rarely did that. Within seconds she called again and I was not able to cut the call again. I ran to the roof and picked it up, i did not  even said hello , I was not able to find proper words, I didn’t knew what to say but then she can understand my silence too. After a few minutes I became normal and we talked for about 15 minutes. It was not that I was sad because she would go away from me but I was numb because it was happening so fast that I was not able to figure out what was happening with me. And I did not know how to react to that. But yes as always talking to her was the best thing I could do. And yet again it made me happy. It was always like that ,whatever may be the   reason of my sadness ,it just disappears as soon as  she appears in front of me in any way. Whether its chatting or her voice on the cell& at times even  her pic. All have the same effect on me. After talking to her I was feeling nice. I forgot that someone is coming to see her. I was not afraid now that she would go away from me. Because she said.“  She may not be near me always but she will be with me. I just have to feel her.”

It’s Sunday. Usually on Sunday we chat less than any other day because she has more work to do at home and more importantly I have my parents at home.  But today the reason of   us not being on chat was different.Today can be an important Sunday of our lives. She can be taken by someone else for forever. Yes today a guy was coming to see my darling. I was laughing thinking of it, not because i wanted to get rid of those thoughts but thinking that what kind of joke is this in my life . She is the best girl I can ever imagine of and here some guy will choose her. It was making no sense to me. I always felt like she was the one who should have right to select a guy for herself. She was just the perfect girl. But this society has its own rules.  Feelings are worthless.It’s just about the rules... those  f*****g rules...

Its been almost 16 hours I have not talked her. It never happened before .She always made sure that she talked me after  every few hours  whatever the situation is .I still remember once she was not able to talk me so she just called me  and started to sing  so that I could hear her voice and I loved that .She has the sweetest voice I ever heard and   when she sings one could not have asked for more but today I guess she was not able to call me and I was restless. Irritated I was missing her presence.  I just received a text from her that her marriage is fixed and 2 days from now  she is going to be engaged. Sundays always had special surprises for me.People eat Sunday specials on. Sunday but I make my Sunday’s special in another way,in a way that it will always taste same ,always sour. Ha!ha!ha!at least i have some predictability regarding these Sundays in my life.  All of them are same.

It’s past mid night and I am  still awake... I am not sleepy.  I had not heard her voice and I wish to hear it badly. I am on my bed but not able to sleep. I am just changing my sleeping position but it’s not working.One can’t feel comfortable by luxury when you are not at peace from inside.   I was thinking of her ,what she would be doing just when my phone rang.  I did not even bother to look at  the display because I knew it will not be anyone else but her.
As soon as I picked it up, I don’t know what happened to me, I was unable to control myself , I was feeling  bad  but  now I just felt an emotional outburst as soon as I heard  her voice.  And I started to sob on the phone .She told me to calm down. It’s never a good sight to see a man cry but I was fortunate enough that there was no one to see me cry ,just she was with me on the other side of the cell. She said lots of thing in order to make me stop. But I was not able to speak to her .All I could do was to sob and hear her.I slept with her voice in my ears,  I do  not remember when I slept and don’t know how long she  was on the line in the night. I just slept embracing  her thoughts I do not want her to go away from me.

friendship... what i have seen and known about it.

When I read the word friend many faces strike my sense one by one , each of them bring a emotion with them, some bring a smile, some excitement , few bring pain , other bring hate or some even bring apathy towards them , and when I read further to the word “SHIP” associated with FRIEND it transform it into FRIENDSHIP . That is all together a different thing. Here I would compare friendship with sea. As sea is comprise of water with different depth at different places, so does friendship have friends and with each friend depth of our friendship vary. So for me it’s a sea with great depth which can never be measured.

In its purest form friendship is the biggest treasure for human soul, yes biggest because it gives us chance to open our self with a person to an extent which is not possible with your spouse and siblings or even with our parents, it gives us liberty of being our self, To be original without the mask of sanity or a plastic smile which we often wear in front of society. That’s the bright side of friendship and we all enjoy it, but everything have its flip side so does have friendship and its dark side lies in its creation.

There are two kind of relation in our life , one which are made by destiny when we were born, and had no control in deciding them, like our parents or siblings and then there is one in which we play a part, that is getting married and accepting someone for rest of our life either in arranged or love marriage. BUT then friendship have its own charm that is “ we create it with our choice without any external influence” , we just follow our heart and go into it without thinking about the complexity or future of it. So in a way it’s our own creation, which we nurse it like a infant and see it growing up as a child and keep progressing, like crawling, walking and than running when it’s in full bloom, we cherish every moment of it until it reaches its teen age. As we all know teen age can make or break someone forever, same happens with friendship.

Every relation is bound to have its share of hiccups and so does happens in friendship, when these hiccups occur within the family we adjust to it because we do not have option of breaking up with them, so we compromise. In a couple relationships we do break-up when things fall apart and cry for it for few days and then move on with another person in our life, but these things does not work in friendship.

Friendship because at first it’s a free relation and gives freedom, word compromise does not fit in and then there is nothing like breaking up and moving on with friends, because we cannot find a person with same qualities and attributes to replace the existing person in our life, thus what result is a tempered friendship just like a scratched glass, which itself is not broken but one cannot see through it as earlier. It lost it sheen with so many scratches and its charm that is transparency.

There is a saying which describes the fall of friendship very aptly that “A tiny spark can ignite a fire which can burn the whole house”. At times it’s easier to resolve big issues because they are too big to be ignored and eventually everything get sorted out, but what spoil friendship are tiny issues which gets overlooked and then block the way of friendship, and when these small ones occur frequently it create a big mess.

For example we start taking friends for granted or make silly excuses which were never required in place of truth or giving their share of attention to someone else or at times we take “ a friend in need is a friend indeed “ too seriously that we forget that those friends can be contacted without a purpose in hand . It’s not mandatory to always have a reason for talking with a friend. And when all these things happen the infant we created with so much enthusiasm dies a premature death.

So I would just say that keep in touch with your friends when you have a chance to . do not wait for a reason. Because the most excited moments we had were unplanned just like we never knew where when and how we would find our friends .

       “one sides love can linger on but one sided friendship will certainly die"

City of Her - IV

4 “How it all started”

It is said love cannot be arranged or forced upon,It happens suddenly and automatically. And more often than not it chooses a strange way to enter into the lives of two people and shake it upside down. Same rule was applied for me. I had lost faith in love and love stories because I had already tasted the bitter taste of love before in my life. But U can’t control your heart. And once again I lost it.My heart was again in love. My heart had subdued to the power of her love . It was just another day for me. I was sitting on the computer surfing the internet. Doing the same things that most of the youth do these days. I was on a social networking website when I came across her. From the very first day since our conversation started I felt something different for her ,From the very first moment I felt as if I connected to her so well .Our thought processes were almost similar and we did not take much time to jell together . Our first conversation lasted for hours and continued till we both felt sleepy. I am on my bed ,a few minutes ago, I was feeling sleepy but now I feel as if I am restless, not able to sleep,my heart is forcing me to recall those lovely conversations that I used to have with her. My brain wants to get rid of her thoughts because she was just another girl on a social network. At last I fall asleep with her thoughts in my mind and I want this night to pass quickly so that I can chat with her again. Explore her more. Know her more. How does she look? Lots of queries & Lots of unanswered questions. It has almost been a week since we first talked and shared each other’s lives. From sorrows to happiness , unaccomplished dreams to fantasies. From the darkest to the brightest parts of our lives.She was mine now and I admired her strength that she was still standing tall after all the sufferings she had taken in her life. Life has never been easy for anyone. . It treats everyone on same scale. And after knowing her past I felt more attracted towards her. She had, in a way, transformed my views of looking at life to a larger extent. She was changing me slowly and after a long time I was not reluctant to adapt to this change Now it’s my daily routine to chat with her. In the morning, afternoon and at night.It seemed like we were spending our days on the virtual world only and the nights were spent recalling those chats. We had adjusted our routine works to suit each other.My day began with her sweet melodious voice, and I slept remembering her calm words. Even if I was awake I wouldn't get up from my bed till I hear her voice. As if her voice was mandatory for my day to begin .Within a few days she had become a sweet heart from a stranger.She seemed just perfect for me. And I wished this to continue forever. Few days back I came to know that her parents wanted her to get married and this brought about a change in our relationship. She wanted to finish her studies , her long lived dream. And I found myself somewhere lost between her parents ‘wish and her dream. Still I could not go away from her and with each passing day I was getting more and more close to her. Knowing the day she will accomplish her dream, will be the day when the count-down of our separation would start . Yet i was happy for her. I was getting to spend some precious time with her. And as it’s rightly said good things always comes in small packages, so did my time with her. I was used to her presence. I missed her even if I had to stay away from her for even an hour .She was now an integral part of my life. A day without her felt like a day wasted.

Today I was very happy. It must have been my good deeds which were paying off now. It had been less than 2 weeks and I was about to visit her city. I badly wanted to meet her and I was about to meet her, For my family it was just another visit to my uncle’s place but for me it was special because this time my purpose was different. As expected she was very excited after hearing that I was coming to see her. My love life was moving at fast pace...................................................... TO be continued City of Her- III